Rules of Fatherhood
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: Oneshot. Being a father is rough, but worth it in the long run. Here are a few rules to live by to keep those gray hairs from making an early appearance.


**One: Boyfriends are an absolute no-no until your daughters are thirty-five**.

"So, Anthony, you're _still_ dating my daughter, huh?"

"Uh, yeah. It would appear so," the teenager answered, with a nervous laugh. Renée Reese laughed, and sent a stern but pleading look to her father to be nice. He _promised_.

"Yeah, and we're ready to go," she replied, holding her boyfriend's hand. She directed her gaze to her boyfriend. "Go wait in the car. I forgot my charm bracelet, and I have to get it."

"I made reservations for eight though," Anthony tried to protest, but she cut him off.

"Please, I won't be long. I promise."

Renee kissed him to placate him and he smiled, slight.

"Okay, I'll wait," he complied, with a smile directed her way, and nodded politely. "Mr. and Mrs. Reese. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Anthony," Quinn said, brightly.

"Have her home by ten," Logan warned, and had his ankle discreetly kicked by his wife, who smiled at the boy, clad in a suit and he was a thousand percent sure that Renee looked absolutely stunning a little black dress. He tried to ignore his throbbing foot, and smiled through the pain. He laughed, even though he was screaming on the inside. "Just kidding. Have fun."

"Oh, we intend to after I look for my charm bracelet," she said, straightening out for her boyfriend's lapel. Anthony pecked her cheek, and he left, the front door to the Reese household closing with a click. Renee turned her gaze to her father and her brown eyes shone with disapproval. She knew her father loved her, and would protect her from anything, but she was sixteen. God, she was two away from adulthood. And in Europe, she was a legal drinker. Renee rounded on her father, charm bracelet forgotten. "Daddy, what are you doing?"

"Being a dad. It sort of came with the territory when you were born sixteen years ago," he responded, matter of factly, before Quinn intervened.

"You said you'd be good. It's been six months. Are you going to give me a shot gun wedding too?"

"Possibly," he answered, under his breath before Quinn gave him a disapproving look.

"And I'm being a mother, and intervening. Go have fun on your date, honey. But seriously, don't come home too late," she warned with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, because if you do, I'll come looking for you and then – "

Quinn's hand went over Logan's mouth.

"Okay, bye," Renee said, and walked out, with the door closing behind her. It was then, that Quinn decided to address the fact that she felt a wet, damp tongue streak over her palm. Logan had pulled a move he had only started while at PCA, years ago.

"Ew!" the neurologist shrieked. "Logan, why'd you lick my hand?"

The director smirked smugly, "Well, it seemed funny at the time, and it seemed to distract me from the fact that my only daughter is out with her boyfriend. Alone."

He frowned at that, making Quinn send a questioning look his way. She crossed her arms over her chest, "Do you not trust Renee's judgment?"

"Yeah, she's our daughter, duh. She's more Pensky than Reese in some parts. But it's him, I don't trust," he answered, and then softened. "Baby, I've been a teenage guy before, and believe me, when I tell you that I know how they think. Don't you have one of the time machines where we can go back to where Renee was a baby, and thought I was Super Dad?"

"Oh, come on. You're still Super Husband."

"I told Chase, he was going to cry when Ally got her first kiss," he told his wife. Quinn looked at her husband intently, and a smile broke out because even as a grown man Chase was known to go into his "high school freak out" phase.

"And?"

"Yeah, he didn't take it do well. Us, dads, we gotta stick together. Boys are kissing our daughters left and right…"

"And yet, you don't worry about Dylan and Jason," Quinn said, referring to their fourteen year old sons, who had yet to be home on a Friday night. Dylan was the party animal and the flirt while Jason was the quiet, smart, reserved twin. Girls were attracted to him too, but he really didn't have to try.

"Because they're dudes," Logan replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Okay, I'll worry about Dylan a little."

"There you go."

Michael was a father of twin girls, Ariel and Jasmine, who were just reaching six, and their comedian of a son, ten year old, Bryan. Lola and Vince were the parents of a rambunctious, eight year old, Sabrina. Chase and Zoey were the parents of environmentalist, twelve-year-old, Ally, and Noah. He had the potential to become an actor, and inherited characteristics quite different from his parents. Noah could be docile, and mild-mannered, but he was competitive and had a deadly temper at just ten years old. Bryan and Noah were best friends, and complimented each other quite nicely.

Quinn laughed and kissed him, before playing with his shirt, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, Renee, and the twins are all gone, and I'm bored, so clearly I need entertainment."

Logan smirked, picking his wife up bridal style and carried her upstairs, "Well, luckily for you, I'm a one-man show, and it begins right now."

He shut the bedroom door with his foot, because he clearly had a lot of work to do.

* * *

**Two: Punishments aren't always easy, so be creative.**

"Oh my God, dude, there's on to us! They're going to ship me off to military school, and I've heard things about military school, and they're not pretty. I knew we should have gone with the silly strings approach!" Bryan Barrett panicked pacing his living room floor. Maybe the fact that they orchestrated one of the biggest pranks against their rival junior high was a factor. Camouflage and war-paint almost looked incriminating.

"Shut up, and stop getting your tighty whities in a knot."

"I don't wear tighty whities anymore, okay? My mom finally got me off those last month," the dark-skinned boy rebutted, and his friend smirked, as if to question the legitimacy of the statement. "Okay, fine… last week, but you must have a plan in there somewhere, Noah."

"This doesn't need planning. We always get joint punishments anyway, right? They're going to start with the typical 'I'm-so-disappointed, should-have-known-better' speech, and then the typical grounding, and that's a wrap. Life moves on. All we have to do is actually look disappointed in ourselves…"

"I'm sorta disappointed."

"No, you're not. Because Birchmount deserves to have their vent system reeking of spoiled cheese," Noah answered, his green eyes shinning proudly. "It's my best work yet."

"Okay, so we've come to a decision, and figured out something," Zoey announced, with Chase, Michael and Lisa in tow. They sat across from their sons.

"We figured out why you guys prank, and you must do it because you're bored, right?"

"No, we don't, Dad," the blond justified, his eyebrows crinkling in confusion. Then he sighed, running a hand through his hair. He knew he had to get a haircut soon because the bangs were obstructing the view from "his beautiful green eyes", according to Zoey. "Look, how long are we grounded for this time?"

"You're not," Michael replied, easily, "but Chase and I decided that we're running low on shoes."

"Shoes?" Bryan questioned, almost apprehensive, but more in a confused manner.

"Yup, shoes," his mother, Lisa, nodded, "and we feel guilty, because we should spend more time with you boys. So, we were talking about how to punish you, and your dads suggested that we spend more time with you, so tomorrow, Zoey and I are going to spend the day shopping."

Noah started to smile.

Looks like he didn't need his diabolical scheming to come into play after all.

Bryan could have used a new pair of sneakers, and Noah was leaning towards a new skateboard. This was awesome. All they did was allow the stench of rotting cheese to fill their rivals junior high school, and a shopping trip fell into their laps? How lucky could a kid get?

"Awesome!"

"So, we're off the hook, right?" Bryan asked, hopefully. Michael laughed, and shook his head.

"Oh no. Not even close."

"And here's the fun part," Chase explained, after his best friend for nearly two decades and counting. "The shopping trip isn't for you. You're going to help your moms pick out shoes, heels and any girl associated things."

What?

"You mean… we…" Noah started to sputter, when we realized he had to go into girly stores, with frilly things, and bright colours. That was wrong, and a bunch of other adjectives, he was too stunned to say at the moment. "Why don't you let me go hang myself now?"

Chase patted his son's back, "It's called life, son."

"Request to be sent for military school?" Bryan asked, as a last-ditch attempt to save his own behind.

"Denied," Lisa replied, sternly.

* * *

**Three: Be prepared for anything. Emphasis on anything. **

"Daddy, I have a question," Sabrina Blake said, catching her father's attention. She had her mother's soft brown hair, and little light brown freckles lined her button nose. Sabrina, however, had her father's eyes which shined with curiosity. This question had been bugging her some time now and even when she asked, no one wanted to tell her the answer.

"What's up, Breeny?" Vince affectionately nicknamed his daughter, and smiled when he scooped her up in his arm and placed her on her lap. She loved watching her dad's football games. Her daddy was the greatest ever. She was sure, he could do anything. "How's my favourite good luck charm?"

"Fine."

"So, what's your question?"

"Well," she tapped her chin, looking up in thought, and then remembered the eternal question that picked at her brain. She started explaining everything to Vince. "I think Mommy has a belly ache, because every mornin', she's puking an' stuff. And I went over to Aunt Quinn's yesterday, and Uncle Logan said that there might be a baby in her tummy. So, how did the baby get there?"

Vince's face flushed for two reasons: one, because his wife was pregnant with their second child and he was just finding out at this very moment and two, Sabrina had just asked the dreaded question no parent really wanted to explain yet.

"Yeah, well," the football player cleared his throat, awkwardly, "when two people like me and Mommy love each other, they do something special. But it's a grown up thing."

"Can I watch?"

"No!" Vince immediately said and then cleared his throat. Sabrina blinked at him.

"Oh," Sabrina conceded, and then a thoughtful look came on her face, "but Billy said that his daddy gave his mommy special seeds, and her tummy is," she widened her arms just to show her father the size, "this big. Did Mommy swallow your seeds?"

"Uh, no, not exactly."

"Then how did they get there?"

"Wait, did you say you and Mommy went to Uncle Logan's house?"

"Yeah," Sabrina answered, excitedly. "Renee's so nice! She let me try on her make-up, and everything."

"Logan. Figures," Vince muttered, under his breath, while his daughter happily chattered.

* * *

**Four: Your children will do things that will upset you, but they're your children regardless. **

Ally Matthews was going to change the world someday, she hoped. She wanted the rainforests not to be cut down and for make-up not to be tested on innocent little animals. Real fur on clothing wasn't exactly eye-catching to her (Bear pelt, anyone?), and she wanted to set all of the captive animals of the world free. Volunteering at the animal shelter gave her something to look forward to.

She genuinely cried when Snickers, the calico cat, was put down a couple months ago after she had given birth to kittens.

According to Karen, Snickers was too old, so it was her time to go. Worrying that the kittens would have nowhere else to go, Ally took one and didn't tell her parents or her brother.

Pickles was six months old, and his fur had all shades of brown with sparkling eyes. She fed him, premium kitten food, and used her allowance to buy him supplies. Ally only worried that Pickles could be prone to infection, so she debated, and concluded that Pickles needed shots from the vet.

It only took six seconds for the door open, and for Chase's face to take on a look of surprise and minimal disbelief. When did a kitten magically appear in their house?

"Hi Daddy."

Chase crossed his arms, and sighed, "Wanna tell me why you have a kitten in your room? Where did it come from?"

"I got it from the animal shelter," she explained, sheepishly while putting a lock of hair behind her ear. Ally stroked Pickles' small body, and he purred against her being content. Chase only softened, when his daughter quietly sniffled. "They put his mother down because she was too old, and she was already weak. I didn't want him to stay in the animal shelter. I wanted to take care of Pickles because he had nowhere else to go."

"Sweetie, I understand that they'll put him in a good home."

"You don't know that for sure! I've already blew my allowance on him with food, and toys. And I play with him, and without you, Mom and Noah finding out," Ally explained, and turned pleading eyes on her father, "Please, can I keep Pickles? I love him. On top of that, I paid that demon child masquarding as my brother to sorta keep quiet."

Chase couldn't resist after that.

That puppy dog look was like Kryptonite, and he swore Ally had inherited that from Zoey.

"Okay, fine. You can keep Pickles…" he conceded, and watched her eyes light up, and with the word that came put of his mouth, Ally slightly frowned. Why did they always do that? "…but, we have to sit down tonight and discuss with your mother how we're going to have to adjust with a new pet around."

Ally squealed, smiling brightly and flung her arms around her father's neck, "You're the best dad ever!"

Pickles only let out a small meow in response.

Ally giggled, and pulled away from her dad, "Pickles does too."

* * *

**Five: Being a father can have its ups and downs, but it's the best feeling ever. **

"I'm going to totally kick your ass, dude, seriously," Vince Blake warned Logan playfully, but was seriously at the same time. After telling Chase and Michael told the whole seeds escapade with Sabrina, they couldn't help but laugh.

"Sabrina asked you about sex?" Chase questioned, as his laughter receded, and he took a swig of his beer. They had always made it a tradition to hang out, and just be guys. It was a time to chill and lay back.

"Imagine how weird that could have been for you," Michael put in, and smiled gratefully. "That's why me and Lisa told the twins that babies came from the stork, and we just got lucky with a double package. End of story."

"And they buy that?" the football player questioned, making Michael shrug.

"Well, Ariel does. Jazzy doesn't, but tough. I haven't had the talk with Bryan yet either. Thank God."

"Ally knows about sex from Sex Ed, but Noah doesn't want to hear about it right now. Says that making him help his mom pick out shoes all day has robbed him off his innocence enough."

Logan made a contemplative face, "but the cheese in the vent thing, that's pretty genius of him. I didn't think Noah had it in him to do that. Well, I sort of did, but I really didn't think he could pull it off."

"No wonder he loves you so much."

"I think when it comes down to it, we're dads, and we'll have to worry about our kids, and stuff. I mean, Logan's already sort of crossed that stage with Renee. They'll hate us for it, and I'll have to beat the boys off Sabrina with a metal pipe or something, but I think we can all agree that we love them," Vince said, making the three agree.

"Amen to that!"

And the four men clinked beer bottles, only wondering what other rules of fatherhood were in store along the way.

* * *

**A/N: So, frankly I don't like the piece, but I wanted to finish it. Glad I did. Well, it's a little late for Father's Day, but still I hope you guys enjoy it, and get a couple laughs from it. I have to practise for my last exam, and then I'm FREE! **

**Wish me luck. And review. Can't go wrong with those. Gotta focus on typing my screenplay now :) Expect an update for Letters To You, but I'm almost done writing the last chapter so you'll get the full story. **

**Review,**

**-Erika **


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